It’s another Friday, and another opportunity to rationalize the intake of several sweet fried treats (AKA, cro/wo/dough/do-nuts). Big whoop, right? Sure. I mean, on Fridays, I proclaim, “It’s Donut Friday! I’m allowed to eat donuts today!” And then, I quietly (and somewhat secretly) consume donuts on the remaining six days. In fact, if I happen to skip my donut ritual on Friday, I feel as if I’m fasting. The Gandhi of donuts.
This is Friday, June 6th, widely recognized as National Donut Day. This is a day that is celebrated with the promise of FREE donuts for some lucky donut-heads – you could even score up to 6 free donuts today, if you are geographically fortunate enough (or have absolutely nothing going on in your personal life). I’m not really that interested in scrambling for free donuts, though. Much like 7/11’s “Free Slurpee Day”, the reward for enduring a Black Friday-like battle for free stuff is tiny compared to the massively stressful experience. I’m not down to angrily chew my donut.
What is the true value of a donut, anyway? We’re talking pennies here, depending on the level of fanciness. I feel like I’m really paying the bulk of my $.75 purchase for the 1-2 minutes that I spend pointing at the glass case, then tapping on it frantically and trying to guide my donut purveyor towards the correct donut.
I can’t really fully enjoy a donut without a hot, black coffee. LL Cool J raps about enjoying donuts with milk in several early tunes, but that always seems weird to me. I’d love to ask him about this, actually. He was the perfecter of the “love rap”, so he must have understood the deeply seductive nature of donuts on some level. It’s almost an unfair advantage to walk into a singles bar with a Krispy Kreme, the roofie of the dessert world.
So seductive, in fact, that – Ad agencies, please cover your ears – I’m 55% more likely to purchase an item if donuts are used in the advertising. I’d even ruin my credit score applying for a card that I don’t even need because they appealed to my hot-and-heavy appreciation for donuts (Stu-liminal seduction, not quite subliminal).
Obviously, I’m not a snob when it comes to my beloved donuts. Thu and I have tried a billion different kinds, and we will even be MORE forgiving when we detect a shit-load of pretension accompanying the delectable fried dough – just because we’ve been around the block a few times. We know that any attempt to gussy up a donut is most likely done out of pure love. Not so with a cupcake. I’m actually experiencing a cupcake renaissance lately, but this is a whole other story (for next week).